‘Swimtime for Hitler’ — A Synchronized Satire
Our Man Goes Poolside in Atlanta to Cover the Big Splash — in Advance
By Jeffrey Goldberg
The Forward, June 14, 1996
ATLANTA, JULY 20, 1996 (Associated Press) — Emotions ran high at poolside today during the finals of the synchronized swimming event, as the four remaining teams in this year’s competition, dubbed “Mikvahfest ‘96” by Olympic organizers, tried to outdo each other in their aquatic interpretations of post-exile Jewish history.
But the competition was overshadowed at times by the notable absence of the Israeli team, which was eliminated in the first round of competition by what was being termed a “cultural inability to synchronize.”
“The team was unfortunately divided into factions,” said the Israeli coach, Yam Hamelach. “They couldn’t decide which routine to perform.” According to Mr. Hamelach, the Likud-leaning synchronized swimmers wanted to perform a routine with a “peace through security” theme, in which they would mime the construction of a West Bank settlement, while the Labor-leaning swimmers demanded to perform a balletic interpretation of the proposed Israeli pullout from Hebron. “No one could agree so we did both at the same time,” the coach continued. “You could imagine what a mess that looked like. Also, the Shas swimmers wouldn’t get in the pool.”
But for most of the day, the failure of the Israeli team was forgotten as the four remaining squads performed their five-minute routines in front of an overflow crowd.
First up was the Spanish national team, which had prepared a blockbuster number inspired by Ben-Zion Netanyahu’s recently published history of the Inquisition. As several of the swimmers portrayed the expulsion of the Jews from Spain by rushing from poolside without thoroughly toweling off, other swimmers acted out the role of the Marranos, the hidden Jews, by holding an entire Sabbath dinner underwater. The only low marks for the Spanish team came in the “originality” category, apparently because the judges felt the theme of the performance too closely echoed “Auto-Da-Ice,” the award-winning Spanish figure skating routine from the 1994 Winter Olympics.
Speedos and Yarmulkes
Next to hit the pool was the American team, which, in a radical departure from custom, was comprised entirely of Reform rabbis and editors of Tikkun magazine. Dressed only in Speedos and yarmulkes, team members first erected an imaginary chupah, or wedding canopy, over the 100-meter pool. Then, to the strains of Wagner’s “Wedding March,” the rabbis dove in, joined by a group of similarly attired Episcopal priests, with whom the rabbis re-enacted an interfaith wedding ceremony while treading water. The routine closed with an interpretation of the politics of meaning, in which the swimmers empathized with their kickboards.
In what was surely the most controversial performance of the afternoon, the German team began its presentation of “Lebensraum” by invading three adjacent pools, forcing the postponement of the men’s freestyle and butterfly competitions. But the Germans soon won over the judges with their interpretation of the Nuremberg Laws. The performance ended with a flourish, as team members mimed the handing over of reparations to their team captain, who was dressed as Nahum Goldmann. “This beautiful performance should mark the end of the feelings of guilt which Germany has lived with since the end of the Holocaust,” German chancellor Helmut Kohl said in a written statement handed out poolside.
The highlight of the afternoon’s competition came as the perennially crowd-pleasing French team — which captured the hearts of synchronized swimming fans at the world championships last year with its stunning depiction of the Dreyfus Affair (with guest swimmer Mark Spitz as Herzl) — goose-stepped its way into the pool for its tasteful yet powerful aquatic history of the Holocaust. The French, as everyone expected, took the gold — the judges gave the team uniformly high ratings, citing especially the emotionally riveting performance of the athletes who swam the part of the Warsaw Judenrat.
In a sure sign that synchronized swimming is growing in commercial appeal, the director Stephen Spielberg immediately optioned the French routine for his new studio, Dreamworks SKG. “It’s Esther Williams meets Claude Lanzmann,” he reportedly said.
The team coach, Odile Petit, was bursting with enthusiasm over this year’s Jewish-themed competition, promising an even more spectacular show at next year’s championship swim-off. “We are rehearsing already,” the coach said. “If we are allotted the time, we will be ready to swim the entire Yom Kippur martyrology.”