Happy Jewfest
By Jeffrey Goldberg
The Jerusalem Post, October 30, 1992
Are the holidays over yet? I’m ner vous about asking—any minute, I fear, one of my more educated friends is going to tell me that Simhat Shwarma, the annual celebration of meat and meat by-products, begins at sundown tonight, or that I’m missing a service commemorating Hag HaNudnikim, in which we gather to remember all the people we’ve dropped as friends over the years.
My new belief is that there were actually more holidays than usual this year, something that may have been related to a lunar eclipse, or a downturn in the shmatta trade. I remembered to mark all the big ones—Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, National Maple Syrup Awareness Month—but it seemed that every single day, people were gathering in synagogues to celebrate holidays no one ever bothered to tell me about.
Part of the problem is my Jewish education—at Temple Beth Sholom Sholom Sholom, to which I was indentured as a child, the rabbi was so religious that he closed up for the weekend every Friday afternoon, explaining that he didn’t want to violate the sanctity of the Sabbath by actually doing anything religious. At least that is what he told the temple board.
Part of the problem, though, is that Jews have too many holidays; I simply don’t have the attention span necessary to follow the endless permutations of the Jewish calendar. Now take Christianity as an example—Easter, Christmas, bing-bang-boom, they’re outta there. This is why they make better baseball players, incidentally—unlike Jewish children, who must attend religious schools every week in order to learn about the never-ending schedule of obscure holidays, Christian children have the time to attend crucial Little League practises and therefore learn such important skills as yelling “Hey, batta batta batta, hey, batta batta” and spitting.
It is my assumption that the few Jews to have made it big in the majors, a group that includes Sandy Koufax, Sandy Koufax and also Sandy Koufax, were rather lax about attending religion classes, or at least studied under Hebrew teachers who allowed them to spit in class, as I did. I bet Sandy Koufax doesn’t know what Shemini Atzeret is, unlike me, who actually knows that Shemini Atzeret means “Festival of the Eight Movies.”
Ordinarily, I wouldn’t write about the Jewish holiday cycle because it frustrates me so. But now that Prime Minister Rabin is ready to name me Minister of Religious Affairs, the time is ripe to unveil my plan to condense the Jewish holiday cycle into one massive holiday. Rav Schach, sit down, it’ll be okay. Yes, I know there are those out there who would surely smite me where I stand for suggesting that we tamper with the holiday cycle, but I am inoculating myself against your criticism by naming Shulamit Aloni as my deputy minister and spokeswoman.
So go yell at her.
LET ME SKETCH out the plan, and then I’ll be happy to open the floor to questions, or hand grenades. In short, what we will be doing is combining all 186 major and minor Jewish holidays into one blow-out no-holds-barred cash bar eight-keg four-day holiday in which the major themes of Jewish life, including repentance, sorrow, joy, thanksgiving and annoying relatives, will be adequately represented.
The name for the holiday will be decided by an interministerial committee which will accept recommendations from the Diaspora and then ignore them. So far—and this is tentative—I’m leaning towards calling the holiday “Lent,” but if the Vatican sues, I think we’ll probably have to drop it. Other initial suggestions have included “Octoberfest,” which I rejected for obvious reasons, “Superbowl Sunday” which I also rejected because the holiday will stretch, as I’ve said, over four continuous days, “Grand Funk Pessah,” whose ring I like but is objectionable because it gives short shrift to the other 185 holidays, and “Jewfest,” which will probably win just by process of elimination.
This is how it will work. At sundown on a date to be determined by a draw, affiliated Jews will gather in their synagogues. Those Jews without synagogues will be mailed do-it-yourself instruction kits. Just add water, and bingo, instant Jewfest in the comfort of your own living room.
Once inside their synagogues, the Jews will begin to fast and rend their clothing for four hours, and will break the fast by getting up off the floor and baking matza, which will be eaten as the Scroll of Esther is read. Then, after a short nap, the seder table will be set, but no one will eat, because it will be time for another fast, which will broken three hours later by the lighting of the menora and, for Reform Jews, the Easter egg hunt.
After the menora is lit, it will be blown out as the cantor chants the prayer over the wine, along with excerpts from the Gilligan’s Island theme song. After another short nap, congregants will build a succa and will dance around it in a festive manner while waving hot latkes. After eating the latkes, the first cup of wine will be served as the shofar is blown, at which time, fasting and repentance will begin again.
Approximately 35 minutes later, everyone will head outside to the parking lot, where trees will be planted and immediately be ripped up in order to provide wood for an additional succa, which will then be torn to honor those re-enacting the climb up Mt. Meron, which will performed by children who will be allowed to hurl balls of gefilte fish at their friends and relatives.
After another nap, the rabbi will stand before the congregation (those at home can watch via closed-circuit TV) and give the annual Jewfest sermon, “Intermarriage: Nu?” Young grooms in the congregation will search for unleavened bread, then break glasses at the conclusion of the sermon. All those wishing to be circumcised again for good measure will then line up by height.
After another nap and a delicious meal of hamantaschen and eggnog, the eight movies will be shown, interrupted by a minor fast of 25 minutes. The brushing of teeth will be allowed during minor fasts. To conclude the four-day Jewfest, each congregant will be handed a lulav, a dreidel, a gragger, a sapling and a halla, and the person who eats all five the quickest wins an all-expense-paid trip to Mahaneh Yehuda.
By celebrating the all-encompassing holiday of Jewfest instead of many individual holidays, worker productivity will increase, there will be no more confusion about when or why holidays fall, and the level of spirituality of Jews everywhere will be heightened, or at least remain stagnant.
Question: We are representatives of the workers at Bituah Leumi, the postal service, the hospitals, the banks and the health insurance plans, and we feel that this holiday schedule discriminates against those of us in public service by forcing us to come into direct contact with the public for a greater number of days than we would have to had the old holiday calendar been left in place. This will undoubtedly have a detrimental effect on our ability to perform our jobs in the effective, efficient way for which we are known the world over. Will you reconsider this drastic plan, or will you let the people of Israel suffer?
Answer: Yes.
Are you a complete Hellenist or are you just stunningly ignorant?
Yes. Happy Jewfest.