He Who Laughs Last
By Jeffrey Goldberg
The Jerusalem Post, June 12, 1992
The following is a transcript of a debate that did not take place in the Aloha Lounge of the King David Hotel on June 10, 1992, between Prime Minister Yitzhak Shamir and Labor Party leader and Knesset member Yitzhak Rabin. The debate was not moderated by former IBA News anchor-stewardess Kimberly Boore.
BOORE: Welcome, everybody, to the first in a series of debates between Yitzchalk Shamir and Yitzchalk Rabin, who are both running for the position of president of the United States of America …
RABIN: I wish.
SHAMIR: Excuse me, motek, we’re running for Prime Minister of Israel …
BOORE: Prime Minister of Israel it is, then. And let me just say how interesting it is that both of you have the same first name. Does that mean in Jewish that you’re related or something?
RABIN: Absolutely not.
BOORE: Okay. So let me first give some background on the two candidates, and then we’ll move to the debate portion of the evening. The first candidate I introduced was Yitzchalk Shamir. Mr. Shamir is currently serving as prime minister of Israel. That’s so neat. Before he was prime minister, he worked as foreign minister and also at the Knesset. Before that, he was in private business with the Mossad company in Europe. Tell us, Mr. Shamir, what sort of business was that?
SHAMIR: You know, import-export, shipping, that sort of thing.
BOORE: What did you ship, Mr. Shamir?
SHAMIR: Well, we dispatched Arabs.
BOORE: Neat. Our next contestant is Yitzchalk Rabin, who was also, get this, prime minister of Israel. You guys just don’t know how to share, do you? Well, Mr. Rabin is now the head of the Labor Party, and before that, he was president of a charm school in Zahala. It also says here that he was a general. That must have been so cool.
SHAMIR: I could have been a general too, but they wouldn’t let me.
RABIN: He wasn’t tall enough to fit into the uniform.
SHAMIR: Hey, I’m thirsty. Anyone care for a drink? Yitz?
RABIN: You know, I wish I was debating Bibi. He’s so much more pleasant to look at.
SHAMIR: Hey, Yitz, I’m going to Washington soon. Can I borrow your bank card? You still keep an account over there, don’t you? Which bank was it? BCCI?
BOORE: Please, gentlemen, we’re going to try to stick strictly to the issues today, okay?
RABIN: Okay.
SHAMIR: Okay.
BOORE: Good. Let’s move to our first topic—the crucial issue of water conservation. Mr. Rabin, what would you do to better ration and store this county’s limited amount of rain water?
RABIN: I’d cut Shamir’s eyebrows off.
BOORE: Excuse me?
RABIN: When it rains, you see, his huge eyebrows catch a hell of a lot of water. Such a waste.
BOORE: Do you have a response to that, Mr. Shamir?
SHAMIR: He certainly beats me there. We don’t have to worry about Mr. Rabin wasting any water. He very seldom drinks water, from what I understand. Isn’t that right, Yitzie?
RABIN: Hey, Stumpy, did you hear the news? Benny Begin’s getting his own TV show.
SHAMIR: I didn’t hear it that way. From what I heard, Ezer’s getting his own radio program—he’s going to sit there and read excerpts from his book.
RABIN: Eliahu Giladi.
BOORE: Excuse me, Mr. Rabin?
RABIN: Huh? Oh, nothing. Just clearing my throat.
SHAMIR: Get this man a drink. I think he could use one.
BOORE: Please gentlemen, you’re going to drag this campaign down to the level of mudslinging if you don’t stop it right now. So stop it, OK? You’ve been really admirable about your campaigns so far. Of course, I don’t know that because I don’t understand Hebrew, but nevertheless …
RABIN: Are you finished yet?
SHAMIR: There he goes again. Mr. Charming in action.
RABIN: You want me to tell you about charming? I’ll tell you who’s charming. Bibi’s charming. And Benny. Benny’s charming too. And Ehud and Dan, they’re charming. And young. Boy, are they young. It must make you feel so old to be around them all the time.
SHAMIR: Bibi, Benny, Bibi, Benny. You’re repeating yourself, Yitzhak. You must be under a lot of stress. We know how stressed out you can get. Why don’t you lie down or something? Maybe you should take a tranquilizer. You like tranquilizers, don’t you? That’s what Ezer says.
RABIN: Ezer, shmezer. Go jump off a roof.
SHAMIR: After you.
RABIN: No, really, I insist.
SHAMIR: Maybe you should go drown yourself.
BOORE: You know, guys, a lot of people out there want to hear you discuss all the big issues, like the LA riots and the federal deficit and the new Elvis stamp and …
RABIN: Wrong country.
BOORE: Oh, sorry.
SHAMIR: She’s right, you know. If we keep going at each other like this, we’re never going to get any votes.
RABIN: You’re right. Why don’t we both declare tonight that we won’t sling any more mud at each other.
SHAMIR: OK, you go first.
RABIN: No, you.
SHAMIR: Chicken.
RABIN: Am not.
SHAMIR: Are too.
RABIN: Are too, are too, are too. A thousand times chicken.
SHAMIR: You’re a million times more chicken than I am.
BOORE: Well, I think that about does it for this latest debate in our series, “Democracy in Israel.”
RABIN: Wait a second—he got the last word in.
SHAMIR: Did not.
RABIN: Did too.
BOORE: Are you sure you’re not related?