Ready to serve
By Jeffrey Goldberg
The Jerusalem Post, June 19, 1992
Last September, I declared myself a candidate for the office of prime minister. Since the day that announcement first appeared in this newspaper, I have been deluged with telephone calls and telegrams from citizens eager to rally behind me and my slogan, “Goldberg—He’ll Stand Firm, Unless He’s Not Feeling Well.”
Along with the messages of support—only half of which came from family members eager to see me stay in Israel—came the donations, thousands of them, mostly small, but some smaller, that have allowed me to fund a massive TV advertising campaign that is scheduled to begin tomorrow night.
Unfortunately, the ruling Likud party, eager to destroy the grass roots political movement I am spearheading, has banned Israel Television from screening my commercials. In fact, they have managed to persuade every television station in the Middle East to ban my ads from their airwaves. The only station Likud operatives failed to reach was the Tennessee-based Hee Haw Network, a small country-music station that can only be seen in Israel with the aid of powerful satellite dishes and earplugs.
BECAUSE MANY of you will not see my commercial, I thought it would be advisable to use this space to reiterate some of my basic positions. I realize that some of the positions I took last September are now irrelevant in our fast-changing world, but I am firm believer in the Israeli political maxim which states that “New conditions are just like old conditions, only newer.”
In September, I vowed to you that I would never cede territory to the Arabs, unless they asked politely. I have moved substantially to the right since I made that promise—the Arabs will not receive one inch of territory from me unless Yasser Arafat converts to Judaism and enters into the Covenant of Abraham in the traditional manner. That is, he should take a number at the Interior Ministry’s Jerusalem branch.
I also made a solemn vow last September that, as a concession to the religious parties, I would ban the raising of pigs throughout the Land of Israel, but only on Tuesdays. In an attempt to shore up support in the Orthodox communities, I am expanding that pledge to include Thursdays.
Though I am currently leading in the polls, I have not ruled out entering into a coalition with any or all political parties, depending on what kind of gifts are offered. I was particularly interested in joining forces with the new Malchut Yisrael party, which, according to press reports I have seen, wants to rebuild the Temple, but on stilts, in order to avoid blowing up the Dome of the Rock and the messiness such an act would inevitably bring.
Now it is just this kind of pragmatic, common sense thinking that this country so desperately needs. Malchut Yisrael is my kind of party, because, above everything else, I am a practical man. In fact, I share so much in common with the Malchut Yisrael party that I was going to call my own party Malchut Yisrael, but they registered first. It’s too bad they were disqualified.
Just what is the name of my party, those of you already eager to cast your votes in my direction want to know. I struggled to forge a name that would capture the attention and affection of the widest range of voters possible, but the Election Commission rejected “The Lesbian Biker Fascist Youth Brigade for Iraqi Rights and Free Drugs.” My lawsuit seeking to overturn the Election Commission’s rash decision is still pending.
Thus, I am currently nameless, so it may be difficult for some of you, especially those of you with sight, to find my party on your ballot. But please, do try, for what we lack in name, we more than make up for in the quality, depth and diversity of the party list.
AS YOU will see, my party list features an outstanding combination of strengths and talents that is unmatched by any other party. Without further ado, here is my list:
12 medium potatoes 2 Tbsp. salt 450 gm. dry lima beans 250 gm. red kidney beans 4 large onions, chopped finely 1 kg. sliced beef 3 small onions, unpeeled 1 kg. calf’s foot, sliced 3 Tbsp. vegetable oil 10 boiled eggs in their shells salt and pepper to taste a pinch of za’atar
Many of you have realized by now that my party list can double as a recipe for cholent. Although this may initially strike some voters as radical departure from traditional vote-getting behavior, I have decided that it would be best for the country to nominate animal and plant matter instead of humans to run with me for Knesset, because I realized that a list of non-human material would be better balanced and more nutritious than whatever Labor or Likud could offer. As you can see, I have candidates from all the major food groups, including the vegetable group, the meat group, the oil group and the weird cow parts group.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are coming down to the wire. The fate of the nation is in your hands. You can choose to walk down roads you have walked before and let the major parties lead you back to political stagnation, economic misery and poor television programming.
Or you can make the bold choice, and cast your vote for me and my hearty, though cholesterol-laden, list. I am not tied to a particular ideology, being almost completely ignorant of the crucial issues in every area of concern. But don’t let that worry you—I am willing to learn, as long as it doesn’t take up too much of my time.
By the way, peel the potatoes, soak them in water, then soak the beans. Drain, while seasoning with salt and pepper. In a large pan, saute the onions in oil, add the beans, then the beef and calf’s foot, then the unpeeled onions and potatoes, and add in the hard-boiled eggs. Bring to a boil and let simmer for 40 minutes. Then place in an oven set at low heat and let cook overnight. Add seasonings to taste. Serves eight.