Take a Memo
By Jeffrey Goldberg
The Jerusalem Post, July 24, 1992
July 13, 1992
To: Y. Rabin
From: J. Goldberg
Re: Prime ministership
As an experienced politician myself, I think I’m in a position to help you out during your first, difficult days in power. I’ve decided to compile a list of tips and pointers to ensure that your new administration is successful, or at least more successful than your previous administration, which, as everyone knows, was as flat as a pancake in a pressure chamber. Whatever that means.
Here are my suggestions to you, in no particular order:
1) Stop slouching.
2) Keep an eye on Deri.
3) Get a tailor, or at least a subscription to GQ magazine. This wide-collar, no-tie, white socks-black shoes look must go. It was cute on Ben-Gurion, not you.
This is important—you’re going to Kennebunkport next month, and in Kennebunkport, you will be judged on your clothing, not on your peace plan. Consider purchasing a pair of topsiders, some argyle socks maybe. Get the J. Crew and L.L. Bean catalogs (if you ask nicely, I’m sure Bibi will lend you his) and order a few Polo shirts and some khaki pants. And please, no brown suits.
4) Keep close track of your wife’s bank accounts. Don’t bring her to Washington if you don’t have to.
5) Restore the monarchy. This could be fun, and it will divert the public’s attention from the serious issues with which you will grapple, such as housing, unemployment, defense and the problem of bus drivers who let their pants hang halfway down their tushies.
Look at England, if you can stand to. Here’s a country that was once the mightiest in the world and is now poised to slip into the deep sea of utter and permanent obscurity. But do the English care? No! They’re too busy wondering whether whether Princess Diana tried to kill herself by slashing her wrists with a knife or by beating herself about the head and face with her husband’s ears. This is what is important to them. And killing soccer fans. That’s also important over there. Hard to believe, isn’t it?
I think the first king of Israel should be a humorous figure, such as Tuvia Tsafir, or possibly Yuval Ne’eman.
6) Pass a law making it illegal for bus drivers to let their pants hang halfway down their tushies. And make them button their shirts all the way to the top.
While you’re at it, make it illegal for all Israelis to let their pants hang halfway down their tushies.
7) Pull your pants up.
8) If you don’t restore the monarchy, at least make Ezer president. Now that would be fun.
9) Sell Gaza to the highest bidder.
10) Or any bidder.
11) Tell Motta to smile, at least when he’s posing for pictures.
12) Suck up to Barbara Bush as much as possible.
13) Keep an eye on Aloni.
14) Sell Gandhi Ze’evi to the highest bidder.
15) I have inside information that Geula will be attempting a coup at some point in the near future. It would be wise for you to have her watched, preferably by the entire Golani Brigade.
16) Force Ariel Sharon to live in the desert outside of Ofakim in a caravan with no electricity and no refrigerator. Make sure it’s one with very narrow doors. If he complains, flood it.
17) Have you ever heard of Clinique facial care products?
18) My drill sergeant during basic training was named Gil. He lives in Netanya. Please have him shot.
19) Don’t go within 200 feet of an open bar. The Likud has spies everywhere.
20) Ban shwarma. It’s an environmental hazard.
21) If the Americans offer you a shipment of jet fighters, make sure they arrive on a Tuesday afternoon. Rav Schach has spies everywhere.
22) Have you sold Gaza yet?
23) It’s often good for successful candidates to stretch their hands out to the men they’ve beaten; it’s very statesmenlike, and it makes a nice picture for the cameras. So please, reach out to Mr. Shamir, console him on his loss, and, when no one’s watching, give him a wedgie for me.
24) Maybe you can sell Gaza and Gandhi as a package?
25) Remember that time when you said you would suppress the intifada with “force, might and beatings”? Try not to say things like that any more. As international statesmen, each word you speak will be analyzed and subject to intense discussion. I know it goes against your sabra grain to speak diplomatically, but try using softer language, for instance, instead of “force, might and beatings,” try “selective applications of strength and surgical applications of pro-active bodily contact.”
26) Better yet, stop saying stuff like that altogether.
27) Remember, the salad fork is the one on the far left-hand side.
29) Put more religious people in the cabinet, so you can blame them when things go wrong.
30) In case Yuval Ne’eman is busy, there’s always Moda’i.
31) If you get tired of serving as both prime minister and defense minister, I am tanned, rested and ready to take over either position. Just give me a ring.
32) Keep an eye on Peres.